Yorkshiremen….

I’ve always found jokes about the differences between ‘north’ and ’south’ really amusing (I know, I’ve got a sad sense of humour!), but having a Yorkshireman for a partner, and knowing my brother’s dislike of the north (dark, dank and dreary – or so he claims) this one really tickled me (especially since Richard’s girlfriend sent it to me!)

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked “What’s tha sellin’ ere?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling arse-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, “Tha’s doing well … Tha’s ony two left!”
The moral for Southerners – Don’t mess with Yorkshiremen!

If only it were this simple -

Quantas maintenance complaints

Crossing planes
Originally uploaded by Ms. Moll.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots, marked with a P, and the solutions recorded, marked with an S, by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

The smartest little kid around

I’d forgotten about calvin & hobbes by Bill Watterson. The books are wonderful, and some of the observations and lines that Calvin comes out with are completely priceless (and of course Hobbes is very cute – when he’s a stuffed toy!).

calvin & hobbes.jpg
Originally uploaded by Ms. Moll.

Some of the quotes are fantastic:

The problem with new experiences is that they’re so rarely the ones you choose.

Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.

That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.

I don’t think I’d have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.

A good compromise leave everyone mad.

There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add guilt to it and make it even worse.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.

And the best of the lot-

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

And some of the strips are hilarious!

committing suicide.jpg
Originally uploaded by Ms. Moll.

Mr Fishy Fish

Colourful fish
Originally uploaded by Ms. Moll.

It’s amazing the silly conversations that occur between couples late in the evening! Colin and I got talking about the name ‘Harry Halibut’, I’d been looking at his great photo of an accident on Abbeydale Road.

This set us off thinking of fishy names, this is the list we came up with -

Peter Perch
Penelope Pilchard
Carl Carp
Ronald Rockfish
Simon Salmon
Michael Mackerel
Colin Cod
Sandra Skate
Sebastian Stickleback
Trudie Trout
Megan Monkfish
Penny Pufferfish
Becky Barracuda
Tony Tuna
Loretta Lamprey
Eliza Eel
Percy Piranha
Hermione Haddock
Sonia Sole
Paula Pike
Timothy Tench
Angela Anchovy
Sadie Saeth
Walter Whitebait
Catherine Catfish
Benjamin Bass
Wendy Whiting
Gordon Goldfish
Hannibal Hake
Felicity Flounder
Maureen Mullet
Lionel Loach
Millicent Minnow
Laura Lungfish
Stephen Sting Ray
Manny Manta Ray
Celia Coelecanth
Ruddy Red Snapper
Semolina Seahorse
Sally Sprat
Susy Swordfish
Sharon Shark
Wilberforce Whale
Terry Tadpole
Tommy Toadfish
Herman Herring
Fiona Flying-Fish
Stephanie Sturgeon

Oh dear – are we completely mad??

Joe sent Colin a joke

walking the dog
Originally uploaded by Merrony’s Moll.

And I think it’s great!

A woman is walking through a graveyard when she sees a man,

‘Morning’, she says

‘No’ he replies, ‘just walking the dog’.

A completely useless item – just what we don’t need

The Kleeneze catalogue arrived, now I don’t usually look but there have been times I have wanted some kind of storage or cleaning item – today I looked.

The whole catalogue is full of random bizarre items that you never knew you needed, and almost certainly don’t; but on this occasion I found a new item which has to be the height of crazy consumerism – Pet Stairs!!

These ‘easy self assembly’ stairs give your ’small/senior pet a helping hand to climb to those hard to reach areas’ – what like the furniture!?!? Have you ever heard of anything so bloody silly?

Lawyer Story

I wouldn’t normally post these things on my blog, but it’s Monday morning and this one is great!

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things,fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!

NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK THERE’RE NUTS

Muddy holes

From Reader’s Digest (April 2006) –

It took five years at university to become an archaeologist and I am proud of my job. It’s just a pity not everyone appreciates it.

My colleague and I were on a dig in a local town when a woman walked by with her son. Seeing us in our hole, covered in mud with pickaxes in hand, the mother told her youngster, “See what happens if you don’t work hard at school? You’ll end up like them.”

Nicholas Marquez-Grant, Ibiza

Says it all really about the public perception of archaeology and archaeologists!!

29th September 2006 10:35

THIS IS A HANDLE

Just in case you were wondering – THIS IS A HANDLE!

Gillie and I went to purchase a duvet in Argos, as the woman handed us the bag, she pointed to this strange hole in the top of the bag and said ‘there’s a handle’ – I’m so glad she pointed it out to us.

I’d been wondering how I was possibly going to manage to get the duvet home, and I know that Gillie was concerned about the hole in the top of the bag – but it was okay, because it was only a handle after all.