Lucky

Relaxing
Originally uploaded by Marshall the Dog.

Right now, despite having a stinker of a cold I consider myself to be very, very lucky.

John is outside building me a new gate, and Peter and Catilin are downstairs amusing themselves.

I have to admit to being slightly apprehensive about the kids coming to stay at my house for the weekend. It’s all well and good going over to John’s when the kids are there and spending time with them, but it’s different them coming to stay in my house.

I needn’t have worried. Despite me being in bed for much of the weekend and John being outside, the kids have been so well behaved. I shouldn’t be surprised, they are lovely kids.

When I think back to when Richard and I were their ages (11 and 14) I can’t believe the difference. We could not get on at all, constantly arguing and fighting. I do know that we could both entertain ourselves quite well but rarely together.

At the moment I can hear the kids building a den for Marshall (the toy dog in the photo) in my front room, cushions from the sofa and pillows from the spare bed!

I know now that it’s very unlikely that I’ll have kids of my own, but having Caitlin and Peter around more than makes up for it.

So I am lucky; lucky to have met John, lucky to have met the kids, and even more lucky to be able to be part of their lives.

New gate

woodwork
Originally uploaded by MollsMusings

I’m just beginning to appreciate how ‘handy’ John actually is! He’s building me a new gate – tongue and groove and all!?

Actually I don’t think he’s too happy with the wood, it’s rather damp. Anyway, I’m impressed none-the-less.

Garden Planning

Mum would be so excited and impressed! John and I are planning my garden.

I have to admit that I thought John was going a bit far when he went out and measured and then created a scale drawing in photoshop! But now I’m pleased he did as it’s made planning much easier.

So the above photo is what it currently looks like – boring really.

The back door opens onto a nice patio with a raised water feature and steps upto a lawn. Badly spaced slabs make the path up to a sort of terrace where the two silver birch (ignore what it says on the pic) trees are. Then at the top is a badly paved area which until recently had a load of wood dumped on it, and of course my shed.

Below is how we are currently planning it to be.

The patio, water feature and steps can’t be changed. But John is building a barbecue in the corner to the left. Next to the steps gets little light and is quite wet – perfect for ferns. Then the path (we’ve yet to decide what it will be made of), to the left of which will be a bed with lots of different grasses and a few flowers.

The next line, where the trees are will be screened off with hurdles which I hope to grow dwarf fruit trees on. Behind this will be a kind of Zen Japanese garden – pebbles, Buddha statue and a seat.

John wants to try growing things so we will have a small veg patch and some herbs next, then above this there will be room for the compost bin, a water butt (to collect water from the shed roof), and maybe in time a decked area – this part of the garden gets sun for the longest.

Forbidden

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Forbidden, originally uploaded by MollsMusings.

A combination of certain pills I’m taking and my total lack of will power (not to mention having a chocoholic for a partner) have meant that I’ve put on a substantial amount of weight – this is not good.

So, I’m on a diet. Whilst I realise it’s dangerous announcing this to all my friends and family (well, those who read my blog anyway), I’m hoping this will mean that I get some support and encouragement.

No more biscuits, ice cream and certainly no more chocolate.

I’m not capable of going completely ‘cold turkey’ about this, so I am still having something sweet after dinner – but I’m trying to reduce this, and I’m also trying not to eat between meals.

I’m also not giving up alcohol completely, although I don’t drink large amounts and have cut out beer anyway.

Dear Mum

Dear Mum

Last year I don’t think I noticed it, well it had never meant much to me anyway – Mother’s day, a commercial construct perpetuated by the greetings card industry in order to make us feel guilty and spend money.

I always maintained that I didn’t need a ‘special’ day to tell you that I loved you and that you were special. But did I tell you on other days? I can’t remember. I know that you ‘knew’ that I loved you, and that I still do. I know that you knew that you were my best friend, and you that you still are. But did I tell you enough?

Since you’ve been gone I haven’t regretted anything I did or didn’t do or say – regret is pointless. But there have been times when I wished you been there, seen what I’d done or been around to share something with.

When you died I knew that the one person who had ever loved me completely and unconditionally had gone – there would never be anyone else to fill that role.

So, it’s Mothers Day and for the first time in my 35 years I want to send a card to you but can’t. You used to get so upset when I said that I wasn’t going to send you a card, of course I always gave in.

I remember the year that you were diagnosed, just a week before mothers day; I had bought you a bird feeder – Bob knows why, you weren’t particularly interested in birds and anyway the cat would probably kill them if they dared to come near – of course the birds weren’t stupid and never entered the garden, the peanuts I put in the feeder went rotten.

I’m alone now, my mother and best friend gone. I believe (and always have) that when someone dies they never leave you, and I know that you are here with me now – but it’s not the same.

I want to share things with you, I want you to meet John (we might argue, and it’s not easy but we do love each other), I want to show you my photos (I’ve improved so much), you’d love my house and would have big plans for the garden I know.

So, for all the times that I didn’t say it, I love you – but then I know you always knew that.

Your little girl. xxooxx

This will come in handy

I have purchased a fake grin
Originally uploaded by Vimrod1.

So, I went back to work – that was okay. Then I went into the office – big mistake!

I don’t want to tar everyone with the same brush but sometimes I think that parts of the organisation couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.

Let’s just say, they haven’t handled the whole ‘depression’ ‘going back to work’ thing very well.

I got on the train feeling completely depressed and suicidal (it only lasted a few hours thank bob) – I’ll not be braving the office again for a while but if I do I’ll be taking my fake grin ;o)

Never letting go

This is a text exchange that John and I had when I was down in Gloucestershire last month. It makes me smile, and realise how lucky we are to have each other.

S – I miss you and need a hug

J – you certainly deserve a hug

S – I might never want to let go of you

J – I don’t think I want you to let go

S – Ok, let’s never let go of each other, ever

J – we won’t let go, we’ll need a lot of room service

for valentines

Originally uploaded by omnia.

To John,
Thank you.
with all my love, Sx

Wedding

Working with John as a wedding photographer means that I see hundreds of wedding photos and have put together a number of wedding albums for clients – but this one was very different and very special.

It’s funny but I’ve been handling these photos for a couple of months; making selections, putting them in order, scanning and reprinting those that needed it; and it’s been no different to the others that I’ve done.

But this evening John and I finally put the album together, and it suddenly became very real for me that the two main subjects (and many of the others) are no longer here with us.

For this is an album is of my parent’s wedding in March 1969. For some reason they never got the photos put into an album, and they have just sat in a box in the attic for nearly 40 years.

So, now they are presented as they should have been, and I have a lasting record of a special time in my parent’s life (and a wedding album – as it seems unlikely I’ll have one of my own!).

Tomorrow we will bury Dad, but that’s a whole other blog entry – when I’m feeling up to it.

Knowing where you are going

l.

It’s good to hear some one in their 80s on the radio saying that they often wonder what they will do with their life, David Attenborough – especially from someone who has done so much with his life, and has a very definable career as a broadcaster and naturalist.

This makes me feel much better about the fact that in my mid-30s I have no idea what I want to do and where I want to go – it seems that even in old age it’s possible to be unsure where you are going and what you want to do. I hope I never stop questioning and looking to the ‘next’ thing.